Best Friends

You Could Do Worse with Best Friends

Hawkeye and B.J.

Rusty and Rin-Tin-Tin

Felix and Oscar

Andy and Barney

Jerry and George

Bert and Ernie

Laverne and Shirley

The Captain and Gilligan

Ethel and Lucy

Wally Cleaver and Eddie Haskel

All time Best Cartoon Pals

Everyone's Best Friends

Fred and Barney

Rocky and Bullwinkle

Yogi Bear and Boo Boo

Heckle and Jeckle

Gumby and Pokey

Bevis and Butt-Head

Scooby-Doo and Shaggy

Boris and Natasha

Ren and Stimpy

Sponge Bob and Patrick


AND THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!!!!!!!

Better Things Charlie Sheen Could Have Said in his Defense...

Charlie,oh Charlie...

 

 Forgive me father for I know not what I say.

 I'm an a$$hole!

 My grey matter has gone toxic.

  I'm trying to get into Lindsey Lohan's pants!

I've lost my marbles.

 I was trying to make love to a mule and it kicked me in the head!

 I'm here to tell you, everything Nancy Reagan said about drugs is true.

My evil twin has been a tad zealous in his pursuit to ruin my life.

 The weekend hypnotist at Magic Mountain is screwing with my head!

 I'm suffering from third stage syphillis of the brain.

 My agent doesn't understand me.

 I'm trying to get on Oprah.

Mel Gibson has this voodoo doll of me and he keeps poking it all the time.

The next thing on my bucket list is...make a comeback from obscurity.

Last weekend while camping in Yosemite I was bitten by a rabid racoon.

 I'm so f@($+d up!

I have been beamed up to a spaceship every week since 1988.

I have a bet with my brother Emilo that I can make our dad cry on Dr. Phil.

I'm here to teach everyone that too much of of anything is not so good.

Like I was saying, I make way too much money so I'd like to donate it all to public television.

uh-oh, a Valentine.

The only reason I even dare to titillate you with  my vast knowledge of love is that for several years I made my living as a professional cupid- red tights, quiver and bow, the whole nine yards! (and all in lace, brother.) I won't plunge into the details, suffice to say many a rear-end was pierced in the name of love.

But I digress. Ah, Valentine's day... where you remember your favorite love, be it a overblown spouse, a memory of a lost one, a dream of one yet to be, a pet, a child, a friend, near or far away or just your newest main squeeze. A valentine knows no sex, age or political persuasion. Because true love knows no boundaries. ( Yeah whatever ).

Valentines are wasted on the youth. True love, the kind deserving of an intricately cut paper laced heart dipped in Shakespearean prose should be reserved for the warriors of love lost or never found, the patient wall-flower dreaming of their turn to dance, the loner, tossing bottles with written hopes into the deep blue ocean, or like me, chained at the ankles to a ever menacing female love goddess. (OK it's not that dramatic).

My valentine happens to be my bride. A quick witted and beautiful soul who parlays daily with a grumpy old rant filled hubby like me. She stops to rescue forlorn looking canines on the side of the road. (much to my chagrin), converses with total strangers in the grocery store parking lot while 200 dollars worth of groceries are slowing defrosting in the trunk of the car!, works side by side with me everyday. And even enjoys several of the same things I do. She Seldom complains about anything but me, doesn't yell louder than I can drown her out with the remote, and dresses cheaply, quickly, and without remorse. And you gotta love that.

My wife, is like..........well, a......A "Dream", Yes a dream come true! Yeah you know, kinda hazy.....unbelievable at times. And if her words are recurring I should probably sit up and figure out the hidden meaning behind them.

I love my wife. She makes my life easier, she makes it better, now if I could only get her to make me dinner.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY HONEY.

Hodge podge of this and that

A few observations that popped into my noggin as I was tossing and turning last night

I'm as tall as I used to be, just a tad wider.

When dining out the knights of the round table almost always asked for a corner booth.

King Lear had squinty menacing eyes.

Yo-Yos were first call Down-Ups.

In one week Mary lost her lamb, her marbles, her virginity, her car keys and her life savings. Lucky for Mary her head was attached.

Dr. Oz has patients that look a tad green.

Edgar Allen Poe wore Tap Tap Tap shoes.

While on vacation down under, a dingo stole my baby, my rental car and my passport.

Clint Eastwood, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson are staring in the remake of 

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

Egyptian President Mubarek was heard last night crying for his mummy.

When a really rich person fails at something, we say he couldn't cut the Grey Poupon.

The worst karaoke singers come from Singapore.

There should be a law prohibiting a fat head from marrying a dumb ass.

Instead of a presidential library George Bush is building a really nice storage unit for his DVDs.

What do you get when you cross a private eye with a candy bar and a TV reality star?

........A snoop snicker snookie.

Orson Welles was a theatre in the round.

Have you noticed how little water gets on you while channel surfing.

Lindsey Lohan is the Guinness Book of World Records for driving the most nails into her own coffin.

Life is a Cabaret

Tonight I watched a mighty fine show.  It was not on television, a movie screen or a rented DVD that I got from a box in the grocery store.

It did not star a spoiled, rehab-bound, pompous, over-rated, smart ass of an actor who has no connection with me or my everyday reality.

This show featured extremely talented and dedicated performers from my own community of family, friends and neighbors. 

The venue was a local theater whose very existence is built upon devoted volunteers and monetary donations again from the ranks of my own community of family, friends and neighbors.

Tonight, this "community" theater was packed with many family, friends and neighbors of this community making up a happy, attentive and appreciative audience.

As I waited for the curtains to open I listened to the melody of human interaction.  Pockets of laughter and the buzz of human conversation filled the rows of happy, well groomed and well attired theater goers. 

The show was full of song, dance and merriment.  All performed by local musicians, actors, singers and dancers.   I was serenaded by performers every bit as talented as those Hollywood ne'er-do-wells.  And all gleaned from (you guessed it) our own ranks of family, friends and neighbors.

A true community event.  A shared experience, delightful in every aspect.  It gave me pause to be thankful for all the wonderful people that make up my personal world.

As the lights dimmed and the show began, a warmth of family draped the theater.  The cast, crew and audience may have been made up of strangers, but they were strangers you cared about.  Strangers very much like yourself.  We applauded, laughed and were moved by the same emotions.  We were sharing a an experience never to be exactly duplicated.  It was lovely.  Nothing was canned, from the first song to the final bow, we were sharing the uniqueness of a live performance.

As I was driving home from the theater (sounds so sophisticated) I was happy that tonight I chose not to sit in front of that black box of acid-tongued talking pumpkin heads, re-hashed leftover crime dramas and brainless unfunny sitcoms.

In a world that seems at times to be sliding away, becoming more intimidating by the day, filled with negative attitude and feelings of detachment and confusion, live theater is a hold out of sorts. A refuge for the human experience.  Live theater allows us to share emotion as a community of family, friends and neighbors.  All ages, backgrounds and lifestyles sitting side by side in a darkened and intimate location, all waiting with the same expectation of something exciting about to happen.

I urge everyone who feels worn out and abused by the drip, drip, drip of Hollywood to visit your community theater.  The talent will impress you, the ambiance will soothe you and the camaraderie of the audience will reassure you of the strength and wonder of your own family, friends and neighbors.

After all, life should be a cabaret.

I'm Fat

I'm fat. I'm fat. There's no denying that.

Oh I'll admit, I'm more than just a bit unfit - I'm fat.

That's all there is to that.

I simply love to eat.

From Sunday's brunch to Saturday's lunch

It's a pretty good hunch

I'll munch and crunch a bunch too much.

Candy cake and soda pop,

Chips and dips and raisinettes,

Cocoa puffs and peanut butter cups and
French fries super sized, you bet.

Mickey Dees, Taco Bells, drive-thru's preferably.
Because if it's true we are what we eat -
You're looking at Mr. Easy, Fast and Cheap.

Now I'm not proud of my expanded me.

Why I'd get down upon my knee,

(If I could get down upon my knee),
And plead to Sara Lee to set me free!
But what then of the cherry cheesecake jubilee
Or the turkey fricassee or Swiss souffle
Or the beloved bar-b-que'd chicken leg?

Oh woe is me...they say exercise is what I need,
So tonight before I dream,
I'll jog on down to the Krispy Kreme.

Oh set me free from this never ending curse of
Crumb cakes, sponge cakes and silver dollar pancakes.
I piled them high I used a rake
Now look at me, I'm as big as a lake.

Tortellinis, cocktail weenies, sausages by Jimmy Deanie,
Racks of lamb and stacks of ham -
I don't even draw the line at SPAM.

Oh my aching belly.
Just bury me 'neath the corner deli.
I simply love to eat and eat and eat.
But jeez Louise, it's getting so I cannot see
My feet, my feet, my feet.

Camel Dung

Now, to be sure, I'm all in favor of the people of Egypt taking to the streets in their noble and brave attempt to get some dignity into their government.  The Egyptian people have a right to express themselves and certainly have the right to expect a government free of corruption.  I hope their dreams for a new and better Egypt come to fruition.

My problem is with our own country's rhetoric and official statements to the Egyptian government. 

If they are indeed an immoral, corrupt and otherwise deficient government with lackluster and conniving leadership why in the holy $#^+ do we give them billions of dollars in aid every year?  This Cairo gangster didn't just turn rotten this past week - he's been a scoundrel since day one.  And evidently we wanted to support his devilish ways with our U.S. tax money. Because we have.  To the tune of cold hard cash and a lot of it. 

But now that it's out in the open  - OOPS!  Let's get behind the people, not the jerk we've been supporting for the last 30 years by supplying him and his cronies billions and billions and billions of  U.S. currency to keep his little whorehouse of a government running.  Why is our government so stupid with our money and the way we supposedly help people?  We want to admonish the Egyptian government when in fact we should be apologizing to its citizenship.

Bottom line is this...  We have been aligning ourselves with, and equipping a dirty rotten government, enabling it to malnourish and rob its citizens for decades. By coming out for the Egyptian people NOW, after sleeping with the enemy all these dark nights, makes it a worthy time to take an inner look at the stone age way we handle world affairs.

Come on people we must do better than this.

Truths to pass on to my grandson

M&M'S do melt in  your hand.

Everyone can be replaced.

There is no promise of tomorrow.

Your parents know more than they let on.

Elvis is dead.

Everyone eventually pays the piper.

There is no business like show business.

Unexpected kindness is never forgotten.
A good teacher outweighs ten bad ones.

PBS does run commercials.

You will feel absolutely wonderful after you let go.

Small towns are just as important as big cities.

Some music just sucks.

Never pet a strangers dog without first asking permission.

Girls are smarter than boys but boys are smellier.

Fast Food generally taste like $^*+!

It's just as lonely at the bottom.

If Darwin is correct, you could be a monkeys uncle.

Find something you like to do and do it.
What you think will happen usually does.
Fresh paint loves to be touched.
Fresh frosting loves to be poked.
Ronald McDonald is not that funny.
One size does not fit all.
A little cologne goes a long way.
They included  the printed instructions for a reason.
Carny workers often don't have great dental insurance.

You can lead a horse to water but that doesn't make you a leader.

If you lie someone will find out.

People in power are normally not that smart.
Befriending an old person will enrich your life. (especially if they leave you the jewels)
If you are too quick to judge other people it will bite you in the ass.
Friends don't grow on trees but occasionally fall out of them.
Silly songs will stick in your head long after the music stops.
Never volunteer to help a magician.
Don't buy anything from a man standing on your doormat.

It's not always a good idea to skip every where you go.
Between the ages of twelve and twenty-two you will do many dumb things.
Your problems are no match for your neighbors problems.
The bigger they are, the more likely they are to fit.
The gel oozing from a can of spam should tell you something.
A one hump camel looks funny but a two hump camel looks ridiculous.
"Do NOT......." is usually printed or painted on for good reason.
Running from a dog rarely if ever turns out good.
A stack of parking tickets is hard to explain.

At Thanksgiving its better to be a blessing than to be a dressing.
Opening doors for ladies will be noticed.
On a crowded bus always give your seat to a fat lady. Because she may fall on you, in a sudden stop.
If you've been caught once you will be caught again.
Fortune cookie writers rarely receive the Nobel prize in literature.
Mothers are sneakier than you will ever hope to be.
"Please and thank you" are almost always better than..."Move it over fat ass"
It's OK to cry in public just don't make a scene.
Still tongues are not often bitten.

If you can't swim stay out of the water- or at least tie yourself to the dock.
She is always right.
Good things rarely come from yielding a pitchfork at others.
Don't worry. your city council is just as dumb as the other guys city council.
Your father gave up many dreams for you. so don't sass talk him.
Express lanes are no more than slow moving short lines.
If the creep in a greasy comb over looks like a pervert, he probably is.
Happy wife-tolerable life.

Panties, boobies, goobers and boogers are funny words not to be laughed at in public.

MORONS

Among us walks the ever present moron.  A simple-minded soul with no social redeeming qualities whatsoever.  A pain in the tookus, much like the agitating squeal of fingernails across a chalkboard, they are unmistakable.  And much like the weeds in the garden of a foreclosed home, they're out of control and spreading fast!

He's the moron ahead of you in the supermarket express lane trying to cash a  payroll check from a taxi cab company located in Buenas Aires, while another moron sneaks up behind you in line and begins unloading 56 cans of cat food from his cart, all the time muttering something about a two for one coupon.

I first started noticing these losers several years ago at the county fair when I discovered I couldn't distinguish the fairgoers from the carney workers.  Then I began to spot them in front of me in the Taco Bell drive thru negotiating  the price of a crunchy double cheesy chalupa.  Then I spotted them at the local post office (both sides of the counter) wondering how fast express mail really was.  But now I fear they are everywhere. Hell, you probably have a few in your own family.  I know I do.

They ruin almost every daily experience. They pick and chew and spit where you ought not to pick and chew and spit.  They clog up our roadways by motoring at the speed of a wounded snail. 

Or they think themselves NASCAR drivers while zipping through traffic at remarkably high speeds of stupidity.  

Moronics who smoke in front of restaurants, so you damn near gag to death before you can get to your table. 
Imbeciles unable or unwilling to grasp the idea of  personal space, insisting on touching foreheads while speaking to you. 
And the thumb-less crumbs of humanity that try to maneuver a 4 wheel 18 foot high Dodge Ram pickup truck into a parking space clearly marked "compact."
Or those mindless neurosurgeons who take up two parking spaces so their doors don't get dinged and damaged like their IQ!
Or the gorilla-like female baboon dragging her kid across Walmart by his hair so she can get to the stack of 3 for a buck peanut butter cups.
Or that eyebrow connected fat head who talks on his phone all the #$^'n time!
Driftless seaweed dogs paddling in the ocean of humanity who flip you off for coming to a complete stop at a school crossing.
Jerks who pass on the left.
Muu-muu wearin' mamas who try to  text, gab or paint on eyeshadow while driving a mini van full of Jerry Mahoney type kids to the public pool.
Nostril-flaring, arm-flappin hammerheads who shout out to their kids at graduation ceremonies.
Sardine-faced, mullet-wearin', cat box-smellin', watermelon butts who sit right next to me when there are at least 200 other empty seats in the joint.

Now I'm not perfect...ask my wife.  I have foibles.  However, I don't stand in front of the cheese department in the supermarket asking a wedge of roquefort directions to the public restroom.  Nor do I  drive around with my radio blaring so loud it causes cracks in my windshield.  I don't talk in theatres, snort at funerals or wear a tank top and flip flops to the church.

Enough is enough.  It's time we begin to WEED THE GARDEN.  We can no longer accept these thick-headed human being wannabees as our own.  No longer can we tolerate these knuckle-dragging, drooling Neanderthals to wander our shops, roadways and voting booths.  I am calling all people of truth, faith and clean fingernails to unleash their displeasure and join me in finding "them morons" a place of their own.

Glass Houses

People we have got to calm down a tad.  Take a deep breath, stop and smell the flowers, take a chill pill people.  We are at each others throats here.  Come on, what happen to love thy neighbor?  Turn the other cheek?  Do unto others as you would do unto your own...or whatever they say.  We are screaming at the top of our lungs, veins bulging out of our thick short necks...while we are pointing the big, all righteous finger at the other guy, all the while yelling names and innuendo that ought to be reserved for school yard tussles and bar room brawls. So let us find a more civilized way to communicate our differences and displeasure with each other.  So CUT IT THE @"*# OUT!  Or I'm callin' a cop!


Jeez Louise, look at you, ding-dong chewin', mud-slingin' red neck , narrow-minded,  under-schooled, holier than thou ares.  You can't draw a line in the sand and say with dogmatic certainly (like you love to do) that the guys on the other side of the line are the bad guys, the ne'er-do-wells, the rabble rousers, the no-good-sons-of-a-guns that are causing all the grief, strife and dishevelment of the status quo.

It has never been that easy.

There are not just two kinds of people.  The 'good' and the 'bad'.  The 'you guys' and the 'them guys'.  The 'dumb' and the 'dumber' guys.  It's just not that simple.  Hell, look around the room at your next family reunion.  I guarantee you'll see a United Nations of boobs, goobers and misfits.  Folks that will make our city council look like a photo shoot of last years Nobel Prize winners. 

We are constantly blaming the other guy for our troubles. 

We love to dismiss our fellow humans over today's latest most pressing ailment as some newspaper hack, a radio talk show whack-off, or a slack jaw TV commentator.  It's always the other guys, the ones on the other side of the line in the sand, that spread the rumors, the plagues, the blunders, the wet diapers of of our life, so to speak.

The last few  days I have compiled a list of  these blunders of evolution.  These oarsman of the proverbial canoe up a creek.  These mindless clueless scourges of society.

According to our news media the following list of folks are the real hang nails of our society.  The pimples on our otherwise blemish free faces.  These folks have earned themselves a place in negative news stories and reports.  And everybody knows that if you are mentioned in a negative news story you are that day's buffoon, leech or worse.

So beware of, and feel free to verbally molest until the cows come home, the following:

TSA AGENTS, ILLEGAL ALIENS, POT DISPENSARIES, COUNTY SUPERVISORS, PEOPLE WHO RECEIVED A PAY RAISE, PEOPLE WHO GAVE THOSE  PEOPLE A PAY RAISE,  TURKS AND KURDS, THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT OF  TUNISIA, RETIREES (EARLY OR OTHERWISE),  BULLIES, GAYS, TRANS-GENDERS (MARRIED OR UNMARRIED), OIL PRODUCERS, OIL CONSUMERS, OLD TEACHERS, STUDENT TEACHERS, OBESE FAT PEOPLE, REALLY SKINNY PEOPLE,  STUDENTS THAT ARE SCHOOLED AT HOME,  PARENTS THAT WORK AT HOME, CAREER CRIMINALS, PAROLEES, PEOPLE WHO MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY, PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORK, A GIRL NAMED SNOOKIE, HOMELESS MEN WITH GOLDEN VOICES, CRAZY MEN WITH GUNS, A GOLDEN GLOBE EMCEE WITH CAUSTIC HUMOR,  CHILDREN FROM THE LOINS OF EX-GOVERNORS OF ALASKA, NATIONAL HEALTH CARE, FOLKS THAT CLOG OUR EMERGENCY ROOMS, PROPOSED SPEED RAIL LOCATIONS, AND PEOPLE THAT BLOG CRAP ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!

Our Town

I live in a town.  I like my town.  I've lived in my town for a long time.  Now my town frequently lands itself on lists.  You know the kind of lists I'm talking about...towns with the worst air quality, towns with the worst opera houses, towns with the most uncontrollable nose bleeds, towns with poor lighting, ventilation and unusual skin growths.  Our town has even been reported to be on the list of the ten most uninteresting places to visit, live or die.  So if you want heart disease, poor eyesight, hairy moles or a spastic colon come on down to our town!  Oh yeah, did I mention our towns summer heat index number is only topped by Death Valley!

To these list makers I say...picky, picky, picky!  Sure our town sucks big time but how about mentioning the good stuff about our town like......HOLD ON!  I'm thinking...... OK here's one.  All three of our TV stations have a "Weather Team".  Yes, a Weather Team, working up to 40 hours a week giving us the latest in 'Climate Change', 'Fog Delays', 'Wild Burst of Wind Alerts' and of course the ever popular 'Road Closer'.  Because you never know when an unattended cow will wander onto the center lane of traffic in our town.
Yup, even if you were the mayor of our town you'd have to admit...our air stinks, our streets are bumpy, our  citizens lumpy and our downtown dumpy. But good news lies ahead for our town!  I heard from a city council member that there is a very good chance Nordstrom is coming to our town.

New Life

A friend of mine just had his first grandchild.  He posted me a photo of a tiny bundle of girlie beauty.  Looking at the scrunched up facial features reminded me how overjoyed I was nearly 4 years ago when my grandson Deegan popped onto planet earth.  Wow!  That's the word, the only word, WOW!  I never thought my best friend ever would be a diaper toting, damn near bald headed, red faced drooling baby boy. But it turned out that way.  The feeling I have for my grandson is, well, different.  And I'm sure every grandparent feels this way.  It's a wonderful, hopeful, different feeling.  The link you feel toward your grandchild is truly lovely.  I can sum it up this way.  When your own child was two years old and beating his spoon on the dining room table, you said "careful with that spoon, son".  However, when your grandson is beating  his spoon on the table its "that kid is a natural musician"!  Now I love my son.  Even though I made a ton of child rearing faux pas he turned out to be a brave, devoted, hard working, loving, ambitious man. And now he's raising his own son, with their own unique challenges to overcome.  With my grandson its "party time".  I'm not teaching him how to play, I'm joining in and playing with him.  That's the difference between son and grandson for me.

Now to the new grandfather Doug. Time will really fly by now my friend, so hold on to each new adventure with your little one.  There will be plenty...the tiny hand gripping your index finger with trust and eagerness, peek-a-boo until the cows come home, peaceful indescribable moments late at night, her first step, running full bore into your belly, dancing like ballerinas do, the wonder and bigness of a choo choo train, a walk around the block, the beauty of a puddle, a million more thrills this little child will give you.  Doug, enjoy everyday of having a new best friend.  The wheels on the bus go round and round.

JUST SAY NO (Why our government moves so slow)

After watching a local Supervisors meeting where our District Attorneys office requested an unscheduled pay raise for all 130 prosecutors it hit me smack on my caveman forehead why our government takes forever to get anything done. It's something like when it's time to say goodbye to my in-laws.  After a full day of visiting, rumor spreading, small talk and general yik yak it's finally time to say good-bye and head home.  My wife, after much prodding by me, finally gets up, and kisses her mother good bye. Then for the next 45 minutes it's non stop gabbing, hugging, backslapping, nonsensical, meaningless drivel.  It's as if they hadn't seen each other in 30 years and one of them was going in the Peace Corps or something.  Jeez Louise, we live in the same town, she had lunch with the old bag two days ago and we just spent 4 1/2 hours together in a mobile home talking about the meat department at Von's. But at last, I do get my wife's ass into the car and finally back out of the driveway headed home.

But I digress......Back to the supervisors meeting and my point about our government's inability to get anything done in a timely and efficient manner.  After the supervisors unanimously voted not to give the DA's their pay raise, each supervisor then expounded for 25 minutes on how they wished they could...next time they will...how disappointed they were they couldn't...how much each of them deserved a raise...how much they sacrifice...how our community is a much better place to live because of them...blah blah blah.......JUST SAY NO.  AND GO FIX A POTHOLE! They are public service employees.  If they don't like it, they can quit and join the private sector.  And don't start in with the 'morale factor'.  Check out the morale factor at Sears. We don't have the money!!  You don't owe them any other explanation.  Don't waste time.  Just say no and get back to work.  Jeez Louise, if babble was a virus we'd all be dead.

An Unleashed Tongue

Mothers, teachers and other such know-it-alls have often told me to "hold my tongue". But in this crazy-ass world of ne'er-do-wells, parolees and reality television, I am obliged to hold no more.  I feel an urgent need swell up through my loins telling me, nay demanding me, to spout my disdain, distaste and discontent with my fellow human.  However, I will begin this blog on a positive note. I have noticed through my travels that I don't see as many 'Fever Blisters' on people as I used to. Do you think BLISTEX has been improved or is it just that we have become a better looking people as a whole? I hope you will join me as I ramble, rant, and utter profound truths all with a unleashed tongue.