Better Things Charlie Sheen Could Have Said in his Defense...

Charlie,oh Charlie...

 

 Forgive me father for I know not what I say.

 I'm an a$$hole!

 My grey matter has gone toxic.

  I'm trying to get into Lindsey Lohan's pants!

I've lost my marbles.

 I was trying to make love to a mule and it kicked me in the head!

 I'm here to tell you, everything Nancy Reagan said about drugs is true.

My evil twin has been a tad zealous in his pursuit to ruin my life.

 The weekend hypnotist at Magic Mountain is screwing with my head!

 I'm suffering from third stage syphillis of the brain.

 My agent doesn't understand me.

 I'm trying to get on Oprah.

Mel Gibson has this voodoo doll of me and he keeps poking it all the time.

The next thing on my bucket list is...make a comeback from obscurity.

Last weekend while camping in Yosemite I was bitten by a rabid racoon.

 I'm so f@($+d up!

I have been beamed up to a spaceship every week since 1988.

I have a bet with my brother Emilo that I can make our dad cry on Dr. Phil.

I'm here to teach everyone that too much of of anything is not so good.

Like I was saying, I make way too much money so I'd like to donate it all to public television.