Best Friends

You Could Do Worse with Best Friends

Hawkeye and B.J.

Rusty and Rin-Tin-Tin

Felix and Oscar

Andy and Barney

Jerry and George

Bert and Ernie

Laverne and Shirley

The Captain and Gilligan

Ethel and Lucy

Wally Cleaver and Eddie Haskel

All time Best Cartoon Pals

Everyone's Best Friends

Fred and Barney

Rocky and Bullwinkle

Yogi Bear and Boo Boo

Heckle and Jeckle

Gumby and Pokey

Bevis and Butt-Head

Scooby-Doo and Shaggy

Boris and Natasha

Ren and Stimpy

Sponge Bob and Patrick


AND THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!!!!!!!

Better Things Charlie Sheen Could Have Said in his Defense...

Charlie,oh Charlie...

 

 Forgive me father for I know not what I say.

 I'm an a$$hole!

 My grey matter has gone toxic.

  I'm trying to get into Lindsey Lohan's pants!

I've lost my marbles.

 I was trying to make love to a mule and it kicked me in the head!

 I'm here to tell you, everything Nancy Reagan said about drugs is true.

My evil twin has been a tad zealous in his pursuit to ruin my life.

 The weekend hypnotist at Magic Mountain is screwing with my head!

 I'm suffering from third stage syphillis of the brain.

 My agent doesn't understand me.

 I'm trying to get on Oprah.

Mel Gibson has this voodoo doll of me and he keeps poking it all the time.

The next thing on my bucket list is...make a comeback from obscurity.

Last weekend while camping in Yosemite I was bitten by a rabid racoon.

 I'm so f@($+d up!

I have been beamed up to a spaceship every week since 1988.

I have a bet with my brother Emilo that I can make our dad cry on Dr. Phil.

I'm here to teach everyone that too much of of anything is not so good.

Like I was saying, I make way too much money so I'd like to donate it all to public television.

uh-oh, a Valentine.

The only reason I even dare to titillate you with  my vast knowledge of love is that for several years I made my living as a professional cupid- red tights, quiver and bow, the whole nine yards! (and all in lace, brother.) I won't plunge into the details, suffice to say many a rear-end was pierced in the name of love.

But I digress. Ah, Valentine's day... where you remember your favorite love, be it a overblown spouse, a memory of a lost one, a dream of one yet to be, a pet, a child, a friend, near or far away or just your newest main squeeze. A valentine knows no sex, age or political persuasion. Because true love knows no boundaries. ( Yeah whatever ).

Valentines are wasted on the youth. True love, the kind deserving of an intricately cut paper laced heart dipped in Shakespearean prose should be reserved for the warriors of love lost or never found, the patient wall-flower dreaming of their turn to dance, the loner, tossing bottles with written hopes into the deep blue ocean, or like me, chained at the ankles to a ever menacing female love goddess. (OK it's not that dramatic).

My valentine happens to be my bride. A quick witted and beautiful soul who parlays daily with a grumpy old rant filled hubby like me. She stops to rescue forlorn looking canines on the side of the road. (much to my chagrin), converses with total strangers in the grocery store parking lot while 200 dollars worth of groceries are slowing defrosting in the trunk of the car!, works side by side with me everyday. And even enjoys several of the same things I do. She Seldom complains about anything but me, doesn't yell louder than I can drown her out with the remote, and dresses cheaply, quickly, and without remorse. And you gotta love that.

My wife, is like..........well, a......A "Dream", Yes a dream come true! Yeah you know, kinda hazy.....unbelievable at times. And if her words are recurring I should probably sit up and figure out the hidden meaning behind them.

I love my wife. She makes my life easier, she makes it better, now if I could only get her to make me dinner.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY HONEY.

Hodge podge of this and that

A few observations that popped into my noggin as I was tossing and turning last night

I'm as tall as I used to be, just a tad wider.

When dining out the knights of the round table almost always asked for a corner booth.

King Lear had squinty menacing eyes.

Yo-Yos were first call Down-Ups.

In one week Mary lost her lamb, her marbles, her virginity, her car keys and her life savings. Lucky for Mary her head was attached.

Dr. Oz has patients that look a tad green.

Edgar Allen Poe wore Tap Tap Tap shoes.

While on vacation down under, a dingo stole my baby, my rental car and my passport.

Clint Eastwood, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson are staring in the remake of 

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

Egyptian President Mubarek was heard last night crying for his mummy.

When a really rich person fails at something, we say he couldn't cut the Grey Poupon.

The worst karaoke singers come from Singapore.

There should be a law prohibiting a fat head from marrying a dumb ass.

Instead of a presidential library George Bush is building a really nice storage unit for his DVDs.

What do you get when you cross a private eye with a candy bar and a TV reality star?

........A snoop snicker snookie.

Orson Welles was a theatre in the round.

Have you noticed how little water gets on you while channel surfing.

Lindsey Lohan is the Guinness Book of World Records for driving the most nails into her own coffin.

Life is a Cabaret

Tonight I watched a mighty fine show.  It was not on television, a movie screen or a rented DVD that I got from a box in the grocery store.

It did not star a spoiled, rehab-bound, pompous, over-rated, smart ass of an actor who has no connection with me or my everyday reality.

This show featured extremely talented and dedicated performers from my own community of family, friends and neighbors. 

The venue was a local theater whose very existence is built upon devoted volunteers and monetary donations again from the ranks of my own community of family, friends and neighbors.

Tonight, this "community" theater was packed with many family, friends and neighbors of this community making up a happy, attentive and appreciative audience.

As I waited for the curtains to open I listened to the melody of human interaction.  Pockets of laughter and the buzz of human conversation filled the rows of happy, well groomed and well attired theater goers. 

The show was full of song, dance and merriment.  All performed by local musicians, actors, singers and dancers.   I was serenaded by performers every bit as talented as those Hollywood ne'er-do-wells.  And all gleaned from (you guessed it) our own ranks of family, friends and neighbors.

A true community event.  A shared experience, delightful in every aspect.  It gave me pause to be thankful for all the wonderful people that make up my personal world.

As the lights dimmed and the show began, a warmth of family draped the theater.  The cast, crew and audience may have been made up of strangers, but they were strangers you cared about.  Strangers very much like yourself.  We applauded, laughed and were moved by the same emotions.  We were sharing a an experience never to be exactly duplicated.  It was lovely.  Nothing was canned, from the first song to the final bow, we were sharing the uniqueness of a live performance.

As I was driving home from the theater (sounds so sophisticated) I was happy that tonight I chose not to sit in front of that black box of acid-tongued talking pumpkin heads, re-hashed leftover crime dramas and brainless unfunny sitcoms.

In a world that seems at times to be sliding away, becoming more intimidating by the day, filled with negative attitude and feelings of detachment and confusion, live theater is a hold out of sorts. A refuge for the human experience.  Live theater allows us to share emotion as a community of family, friends and neighbors.  All ages, backgrounds and lifestyles sitting side by side in a darkened and intimate location, all waiting with the same expectation of something exciting about to happen.

I urge everyone who feels worn out and abused by the drip, drip, drip of Hollywood to visit your community theater.  The talent will impress you, the ambiance will soothe you and the camaraderie of the audience will reassure you of the strength and wonder of your own family, friends and neighbors.

After all, life should be a cabaret.

I'm Fat

I'm fat. I'm fat. There's no denying that.

Oh I'll admit, I'm more than just a bit unfit - I'm fat.

That's all there is to that.

I simply love to eat.

From Sunday's brunch to Saturday's lunch

It's a pretty good hunch

I'll munch and crunch a bunch too much.

Candy cake and soda pop,

Chips and dips and raisinettes,

Cocoa puffs and peanut butter cups and
French fries super sized, you bet.

Mickey Dees, Taco Bells, drive-thru's preferably.
Because if it's true we are what we eat -
You're looking at Mr. Easy, Fast and Cheap.

Now I'm not proud of my expanded me.

Why I'd get down upon my knee,

(If I could get down upon my knee),
And plead to Sara Lee to set me free!
But what then of the cherry cheesecake jubilee
Or the turkey fricassee or Swiss souffle
Or the beloved bar-b-que'd chicken leg?

Oh woe is me...they say exercise is what I need,
So tonight before I dream,
I'll jog on down to the Krispy Kreme.

Oh set me free from this never ending curse of
Crumb cakes, sponge cakes and silver dollar pancakes.
I piled them high I used a rake
Now look at me, I'm as big as a lake.

Tortellinis, cocktail weenies, sausages by Jimmy Deanie,
Racks of lamb and stacks of ham -
I don't even draw the line at SPAM.

Oh my aching belly.
Just bury me 'neath the corner deli.
I simply love to eat and eat and eat.
But jeez Louise, it's getting so I cannot see
My feet, my feet, my feet.